Work/Life Balance
Emotional Intelligence
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You may know what your IQ is, but do you know what your EQ is?
Emotional intelligence (also know as EI or EQ) was popularized by Daniel Goleman in 1995 in his first book on the topic, Emotional Intelligence. Goleman defines emotional intelligence as “the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves and managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.”
According to Goleman in his latest book Primal Leadership, “EI contributes 80 to 90 percent of the competencies that distinguish outstanding from average leaders.” 80 to 90 percent! He further states that “how people feel about working at a company can account for 20 to 30 percent of business performance.” Bottom line: emotions and our ability to manage them does matter.
Research by the Center for Creative Leadership has found that “the primary causes of derailment in executives involve deficits in emotional competence. The three primary ones are difficulty in handling change, not being able to work well in a team, and poor interpersonal relations.”
Just as these deficiencies can break a career, mastering them can contribute to great success and fulfillment. In research of 515 senior executives by the search firm Egon Zehnder International, they discovered that “those who were primarily strong in emotional intelligence were more likely to succeed than those who were strongest in either relevant previous experience or IQ. In other words, emotional intelligence was a better predictor of success than either relevant previous experience or high IQ.”
Ok, so now you are convinced this EI stuff is something to look at, but how does someone buff up their EQ? Goleman lists the areas of competency of an emotionally intelligent leader as follows:
- Self-Awareness
- Self-Management
- Social Awareness
- Relationship Management
One of my favorite authors on the topic of leadership, Stephen R. Covey, says that we first have to win the private victory before we can win the public victory. What this means in EI terms is that we first have to work on self-awareness and self-management before moving into the public realm of social awareness and relationship management. If we don’t have our own ducks in a row, how can we be effective with others?
Let’s look at the first area of EI competency, self-awareness. I use the following Awareness Map with my clients, and I’ll illustrate how it works with a recent example from one of my clients. He had been laid off and was desperately looking for a job. He was told he either had too much experience or too little. He worked around the clocking trying to find a job to pay the bills. He was burning himself out. You can also apply this process to an issue or problem that you are trying to resolve that might have an emotional charge to it. So, the process goes like this:
- What emotion are you feeling? Label it. You may not even realize what all is going on for you. This may seem silly at first, but this level of awareness has its benefits.
My client was panicked, desperate, disappointed, scared, anxious, and tired.
- What thoughts are behind your emotions? Now that you have labeled them, get to the source of the emotion.
My client was most concerned about his finances. It was causing stress on his relationship with his wife. He thought he had to spend every waking minute on the job hunt or he was a failure. He felt like he was in a catch 22 in that he was overqualified for some positions and underqualified for others. He never felt like he was doing enough. He was extremely confused and disappointed when he would get through the interview process and not get a job offer.
- Now that you have exhausted the thoughts, identify the belief. This may come as a shock to you because it may not seem to be how you view yourself, others, or the world. Don’t censor yourself here; you’re just now getting to the good stuff, the place where change and growth can happen.
For my client, he had lost all sense of self confidence. He felt like his wife had married a big loser. As his coach, this was difficult for me to hear; I can’t imagine how it made him feel saying it.
- Look at your belief and ask yourself what is the evidence behind it. Is this really what you want to believe?
For my client, despite the fact that he felt like a loser, he really wasn’t. The evidence showed the contrary. He knew that even feeling that way would have a detrimental impact on his ability to nail interviews and land a new job.
- Next is your response based on this awareness. By shifting your beliefs and thoughts, you are actually able to change your emotional response. Once you are able to identify your emotions and the source of such emotions (your thoughts, experiences, and beliefs), you are then able to respond accordingly. It is in the response that we have a choice.
My client realized that looking for a job was in fact his job. And as with any job, work/life balance is required to be effective and happy. He also recognized that his job does not define his worth. While indeed these were stressful times, it didn’t make him any less of a human being. He also recognized that his wife didn’t love him because of his job. Certainly, she too was fearful, but it didn’t make her love him any less.
The conclusion to my client’s story is that he was able to shift his thinking, felt more confident and relaxed, and landed an interview and the job of his dreams. All that from working on his self-awareness.
As you can see, increasing your emotional intelligence has tangible benefits. It takes courage to look at how our emotional states impact us and a willingness to try on new ways of thinking and responding. As with any new habit, it requires practice and repetition. I encourage you to experiment and ramp up your own EQ.
